Depression: a life without mana

For those of you who play World of Warcraft (and now that it’s free to play, why wouldn’t you), let me give you an idea of what a chronically depressed person like me lives with.

Let’s say someone hits you with a debuff that drops your mana (energy, focus, rage, whatever) regeneration down to maybe 10% of what it should be. How much fun would the game be? Everything you try to do is frustrated because you just don’t have the fuel to pull it off. Can’t cast a spell, can’t attack, can’t do much of anything. You want to, but there’s just nothing in the tank.

This is depression.

I want to be writing more, doing more out in the world with the three dimensional people. I took the train/bus to and from work yesterday, and despite the fact that the total amount of walking to and from stops was well under a mile, it still exhausted me. I’ve thought about blogging my thoughts about Google+ and some of the stuff going on right now in publishing, but I usually give up before I even open my WordPress app. Even the relatively passive act of reading has pushed my resources to the limit.

How do I get out of this? It’s a long, slow climb, like struggling up out of a gravity well. I drove today to give the blisters on my feet time to heal, but I’m buying a monthly pass and trying again next week. I’m writing this blog post, mostly just to prove I can post something. As I walk more and eat better (I bought groceries for the first time in years a few days ago), I should drop some weight, and gain more physical energy. As I keep writing, I’ll develop those “muscles” again and be able to write more.

And if I keep dragging myself back into the light, my neurochemistry should stabilize, and the depression will slowly lose its ability to siphon away my energy.

7 thoughts on “Depression: a life without mana”

  1. I keep saying to myself, “better days ahead,” a paraphrase of what St. Paul wrote in the New Testament in Philippians 3,13. This came to me after I developed an incurable autoimmune disease last fall. New adventures in living.

  2. Thanks for that Jeff, just in the middle of a really bad bout at the moment, I’ve even stopped working. It’s a vicious cycle, and I fell a bit like a goldfish, even when in public there’s that barrier there. As for writing, just a short post a day is my goal, the days I don’t, it really affects my demeanour. It’s the lifeline, if only to a virtual world. It’s good to know I’m not the only one, so thanks for sharing this with us, hang in there!

  3. Recovered from a long bout of depression about two decades ago. A few years back it suddenly hit me that I didn’t care and hadn’t for many months. Tell me a joke, my kids talk about their school, my wife, work, whatever. I wasn’t tired but just didn’t care about anything. It was a little frightening. In this case I prayed and, mysteriously, God healed me immediately. Maybe He just wanted to get my attention? I am grateful for the cure and mindful that this could happen again. I’ll add you to my prayers, I really don’t know what I would do if I had to live with it day after day.

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