A plea to Republican legislators

Psst. Hey, Republican legislators. Come here. We need to talk.

Just the Republicans, please. The rest of you, move along, nothing to see here.

Are they gone? Good. Okay, guys, you have a problem. A lot of you are acting like you really believe the rhetoric you give to the rubes about small government. And this is getting in the way, frankly. You’re gumming up the works.

It’s these times we live in. The Republican leadership couldn’t very well gather you together in a ballroom and lay this out explicitly, because some damn member of the servant class would record it and leak it out on the internet. That doesn’t go well. So idea was for you to get the gist on the down low. That doesn’t seem to be happening.

It’s like this. The Republican Party is the political organ of the upper class, of the rich. Mostly white, mostly men, though if you have enough money, they’ll overlook not being male or white. But because rich white men are such a small part of the overall population, and getting smaller every year, the party has to appeal to everyone who wants to be rich. Which, thanks to the Horatio Alger American dream, is almost everybody.

But this is the thing. You’re only supposed to appeal to them. Just enough to get them to elect you. Once you’re in office, you give lip service to them, but you are supposed to act in the benefit of the rich people who will keep you in office. And despite what you tell the rubes, the rich don’t want small government.

I know, that’s a shock. But think about it. The rich love big government, as long as they don’t have to pay for it. They love a big military to secure resources overseas and serve as a customer for their defense contractor firms. They don’t want banking regulation, but they need a government big enough to bail them out when they get in trouble.

So big government is fine, as long as the middle class pays for it. And if you figure out a way to get the poor to pay taxes, that would help. But sending us over the fiscal cliff because you refuse to raise taxes on incomes over one million dollars is taking things too far.

You’re missing a golden opportunity here. You vote to raise taxes on millionaires, but only payroll income. Bonuses and capital gains are exempt. And overnight, bam, all the executives are only making one million in salary, the rest of their compensation through bonuses and stock. These people have the best accountants in the world. Let them do their job.

And in the meantime, you look like populists, sticking it to the man. You keep meaningful taxes on the rich down and let the middle class think they won. And most of those Chevy-driving, NASCAR-watching yokels vote for you in 2014.

Okay, break it up. Go do your real duty, and don’t tell anyone we had this conversation.

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